Neurofeedback and me... it is all in my head

The first glimmer of understanding my ADD’ness came in the midst of a major crisis. By the grace of God (and Michael’s connections), I found myself working with a therapist who used neurofeedback as well as talk therapy. Jill was wonderful. Native to the mountains, ADD herself, funny and gifted, she walked with me as I began to see and understand the way my brain works. Her premature death set me adrift and I used medicine, Ritalin, for two years to cope and maintain. Medicine was a temporary fix for me. It worked but killed some of my creative edge that is a necessary part of who I want to be. Neurofeedback, however, gave me some tools for feeling my brain work (doesn’t that sound strange), seeing the patterns in my brain work, exercises accompanied by visuals that satisfied my need for creativity. I now have some sense that I can appreciate and affirm the peculiar structure of my brain without having to always measure myself against others and come up short. My new therapist, Terry, took one look at my brain patterns when she first hooked me up and I felt so much better to hear her say, "No wonder you have so much trouble living in the world. You have busy brain and slow brain (my words, not the technical description) working at the same time against the middle. Most people have only one out of whack. You have two!" What grace that was... to hear it is all in my head and it is different.
Our sessions are simple. We talk some and check in... see what is happening in my world as she hooks up the bells and whistles. When I am connected to the computer, the games begin. I seem to be wired just right for neurofeedback. Many people try it and some it helps, and some it doesn’t. It began helping me the first week. My sleep, often interrupted in the night and fitful, changed and I began to feel rested in the morning. My "fight or flight response" which is strong and often out of control began to moderate. Tasks and chores and lists are still a growing edge but it feels more "doable" now. I have moved from living life always feeling overwhelmed to only feeling overwhelmed now and then. There is a faint glimmer of hope that I might be able to actually finish some of those myriad unfinished projects I have stored around the house.
Years of living with ADD can put a dent in your soul. All around you are orderly people, not all of them Presbyterians (a little clergy humor), who seem to float on the duck pond of life with nary a ripple. They appear to live calm, competent, complete lives with very little of the confusion and careening that characterizes my life. Life for regular people maintains a balance on a broad plain with occasional dips into gullies of suffering but the plain is always there. For me, life has been lived on a narrow path bordered on either side with steep drop offs. Tumbles result in long falls to the bottom and the climb up is long and hard.
I think I love the book of Psalms because I find in it whatever I need at any given moment in my days and nights. If I am feeling afraid and scared to death... Psalms 27:1; sunk in depression... Psalms 13; needing the reassurance that God is present in my life... Psalms 139; full of thanksgiving... Psalms 100 and 138; full of joy and laughter... pick one that starts with the word "Praise". This book, full of ancient songs, full of life and longing and death and despair, speaks to my soul always without fail if I can just make myself sit still and read. It is a book written for people with ADD... no apparent organizational chart or topics neatly arranged... but everything that is needed is there if one has eyes to see and ears to hear.
My verse for today...Psalms 17:8 "Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings..." Today I will be the ADD apple in God’s eye. I give thanks for all things dappled, striped, crooked and out of whack, all things and people who are tilting towards Tildy, all of us perfect apples in God’s eyes. Amen.