mourning in America

Mourning in America today is an imprecise process. There are so few rules to follow. In my great-grandmother’s time, mourning was defined and there were graduated periods of release from sadness. One wore black then lighter mourning colors such as lavender and grey. Men wore black armbands. I have some jewelry from my great-grandmother... red glass garnet look-a-likes... that was worn only during a time of mourning.
I remember as a child the custom of family members sitting up all night with the body, sometimes in the funeral home or at home. This custom, rooted in ancient traditions, is no longer practiced much. I recognize now how comforting this night vigil can be. The time is coming when the body, the outer shell of the one you loved, will be gone forever. This is a time to make peace and see how the butterfly soul that animated the body has flown away, leaving an empty cocoon that is no longer needed.
It is also a great time for a party... a wake in the Irish tradition... time to tell stories, laugh, eat, drink, weep and touch. Tears and laughter flow easily as the comfort of physical presence provides the support needed to survive those first shocking days and nights of the changed life. Like life itself, it can be loud and raucous and untidy but vastly satisfying.
The Jewish tradition of sitting Shiva also has comforting patterns to follow. When visitors come to the house of grief, they wait for the mourners to speak first to them. Sometimes silence is all that is needed or wanted. It is up to the mourners to signal what they need. Often the grieving ones will sit on the floor or a low stool as a visible sign of being brought low by grief. During the seven days of Shiva, you are given permission to grieve and rituals for the process.
Orthodox Christians have a forty day period of mourning punctuated by special services. The third day is the funeral with the ninth and fortieth days also having special worships. The forty day period that is so familiar to all Christians from Jesus’ life story is used as a set apart time to wander through the wilderness of grief.
The first funeral mentioned in the Bible is Sarah’s, wife of Abraham. The twenty third chapter of Genesis tells the story of her death and burial. Abraham was living in the land of the Hittites and did not have a place to bury his dead. He was held in such high esteem by his Hittite neighbors that they wanted to give him the place of his choice. After some back and forthing, he insisted on paying Ephron four hundred shekels of silver for a cave and the field that went with it. There he buried his beloved Sarah, the laughing one who bore a son for him in their old age.
So... for all of you out there who might still be around when I fly away, here is what I want. Sit with my body and be together. Laugh, drink, eat, weep, listen to music and sing, dance, tell stories, hug and hold each other just in case I am still close enough to enjoy your presence. Don’t forget to pray for my soul and my new life on the other side of the river. I will still need praying for. Take seven days or forty days, whatever you need, and do your grief work. Choose your rituals and use them to help you let go of my presence on this earth so that you might move on to your new life without me. You can cremate my body if you want to but put what’s left in an old graveyard and plant some flowers or a tree. Put a stone there with my two favorite hymns... the third verse of Amazing Grace and the first verse of Oh God Our Help in Ages Past... inscribed for future graveyard walkers to read. And occasionally, if you are passing by, stop in for a visit and leave a small rock on the tombstone, smell the flowers blooming and say a thank you prayer. Peggy Calhoun Cole Hester