Lent... the art of letting go

Michael and I have been married a long time, nearly forty one years. I have loved him longer than anyone else in my life except mama and the Lord. A long term marriage is one way God has to teach you the power of grace and the art of letting go. When I survey our friends who have good marriages or relationships that nurture over a long period of time, the ones I most admire are the ones who practice grace and letting go.
Mama and Daddy were a marriage of opposites. He was mercurial in temper, steadfast in his love for her, shifting sand with quick decisions made without consulting her, accepting of her independence from him in working outside the home and managing her own money (outside the norm for their time), a Georgia farm boy with few of the graces. She was a daughter from a loving family, a family who knew how to celebrate special occasions, educated, poor but genteel, a match for his determination. As children we never doubted their love for each other. We knew the differences between them but saw how their love bound them together even when they were far apart. She tells stories of their life together now with humor and grace, remembering the struggles of the lives together with loving kindness.
Swan and Freddy Lou were another marriage that taught me how to live together. He, the loving pastor of Baptist congregations and a seminary professor, had an unmatched ability to speak the truth in love even when it hurt. Michael, recently returned from a sojourn in Germany, was in his class. Still struggling with his decision to return to seminary, Swan as his professor represented all the Michael did not want to be. So he sat in class reading his Time magazine as Swan lectured. “Mr. Hester, is my lecturing interrupting your reading?” Startled and shamed, Michael responded “No, sir”. “Well, your reading is interfering with my lecturing”. An angry Michael called and made an appointment to meet with Swan, unloading on him some of his pain and indecision about his calling. That was the beginning of a meaningful relationship marked by loving truth telling and grace filled loving.
Freddy Lou was a free spirit who felt no need to be anything except who she was. Joyfully, with abandon and laughter, she kept Swan lightened up. Her housekeeping was noted for her ability to create stacks but there was always time to sit a little while and visit. When you came into her presence, you felt celebrated and warmed by her loving appreciation for you. She was a soul who danced the dance of life with grace and good humor. Always up for a good adventure, they rode motorcycles to tour Europe in the thirties and approached old age together with the same verve and vigor they gave to that trip.
Walt and Mary Lynn taught me many fine arts in living together. As the Baptist Student Union Director at my college, Walt and Mary Lynn lived above the Student Union building in an apartment. I was upstairs one day when Walt came in the kitchen looking for some butter. It was in the frig not on the table. He and Mary Lynn had a spirited discussion, one of many I was privileged to observe, on the relative merits of keeping butter out so it was soft when you needed it or putting it in the frig to keep it from spoiling. Five minutes later the “discussion” was over and they had moved on to the next task at hand. Approaching their fiftieth wedding anniversary this summer, our work camp crew will be creating a celebration for this couple who have been such a force for good in our lives.
I have learned at least two lessons from these friends of mine. The first lesson is not to keep track or count of who wins and who loses, who gets what when and how, who did what to whom and when, to let go of the need to be right or keep it even. Hard, hard lesson for me and for us all. Since childhood we have tried to make the world fair... He got more than I did, she hit me first mama, she started it... and that is a difficult habit to break. The truth of the matter is the world is not fair and neither are relationships.
The relationships I know that have lasted gave up needing fairness and replaced it with the skill of letting go. There is no need to keep count because love trumps fairness every time. I love him and I want what is best for him and for us. Sometimes I give up or in and sometimes he does. It will work out in the long run and I am in it for the long haul. The Bible story I repeat to myself when I need to let go is Jesus instructing his disciples to shake the dust off their feet and move on when someone was not willing or able to hear what they had to say. Let go, move on, get on with the business at hand and the business at hand is loving.
The second lesson I have learned is the power of grace to redeem and heal. Grace that is offered freely with no strings attached, that comes when you are broken and need mending as well as grace that comes in times of great joy. Grace abounds. As sweet as time spent with Freddy Lou and as piquant as Mary Lynn’s green beans, grace never fails to delight and sustain. Grace comes when you live life with your hands open not clenched, giving and receiving with a thankful heart whatever comes your way. Grace is the open arms of Swan holding Michael in a holy hug after their first confrontation, standing by him as he struggled to find his way. Grace is Mary Lynn and Walt grousing and laughing in equal measure including us in their lives. Grace is a Kawasaki mule for Christmas that I didn’t know I wanted but now cannot imagine how I ever made it without it.
Help me once again let go of all I have done this past year and all that has been done, Lord. Let me shake the dust of disappointment and despair from my soul so that I might once again love freely and without reservation. As I have been loved by you, so teach me to love others, especially the ones I live with. Amen.