Why Do You Wait?

It is one of those nights. I forgot the realities of my age for a moment and drank a cup of hot tea before bed (English Breakfast), with caffeine, and am paying the price for my comforting ritual. So, here I am at 1:45 in the morning, unable to sleep and mulling over various and sundries. One of my mulling points is how much time I have spent waiting.
When I was a child, I was waiting to grow older, not grow up, just older. I wanted to be old enough to go to school, old enough to wear lipstick, old enough to drive a car, old enough to leave my parent’s home. Then I was "grown up" and I was once again waiting... waiting to get married, waiting for Tim to come home from Viet Nam, waiting for the grief to ease, waiting for a new life to take shape, married again and waiting for babies to be born, waiting for teeth to come in and potty training to happen, waiting at soccer games and dance performances and piano recitals, a lady-in-waiting. While I was waiting, life happened and it was good and hard and wonderful and funny and sad. Everything I was waiting for, came to me.
There is an old invitational hymn, Why Do You Wait, that floated through my cloudy mind as I lay pondering my particular waiting game. "Why do you wait, dear brother, Oh why do you tarry so long? Your Savior is waiting to give you a place in his sanctified throng. Why not? Why not? Why not come to him now?" I did come and yet I waited still.
My waiting, however, has not been a passive state, lying abed like Snow White waiting for the Prince to come kiss me awake. It has been a quiet, expectant, hopeful way of living that knows there is more to come, more than I can see or touch or smell or taste or hear. All the mile posts that have whizzed by as I was living were not all I was waiting for. I was and am still, waiting for God to come.
God has come many times to me in my life. In the frozen silence of grief and loss, God’s voice whispered in my ear, "Wait for me". I waited and there God was in the arms and faces and voices of those who loved me. In the frenetic fun family times when children were young and silence was rarely available, God spoke to me in my children’s voices affirming the joy of creation and the wonder of life. And now in the quiet of my sixties, I hear and see and taste and smell and feel God all around me. My waiting is rich with possibilities and promise. Like the Psalmist of old,
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than the watchman waits for the morning."
Advent is coming and I am waiting once again... waiting for incarnation and a baby boy to be born who will be named Jesus... waiting for hope, love, joy and peace... waiting for God to show up.

my thankful list....

I am thankful for the gift of life in this world and the world to come. The package of life is never neatly wrapped and topped with a bow but in spite of its messy exterior (or maybe because of it), the present of existence is a wonderful jack-in-the-box experience. How could I not be grateful for a life that has such joy... grandchildren, children,a loving husband, Sabbath Rest Farm with cows and a horse, sunrises through my bedroom window, the laughter of friends gathered around the Thanksgiving table, candlelight in the twilight darkness, the ability to make a fool of myself in forty eleven different ways and have fun while doing it, Grady Nutt’s phrase,"friends who are family and family who are friends", a reasonably healthy body and a somewhat sound mind, good food full of flavor, the sound of Aidan’s giggles and chuckles and belly laughs as we played his favorite game, Roar, in the store yesterday, peaceful night times in our farmhouse living room watching the fire light play, the smell of damp winter earth covered with the crop of autumn leaves, friends whose differences from me help me see the wonderful wholeness of life (Republicans and New Jersey people and conservative Baptists can make great friends), clean water from a well that is full, home sweet home in a part of the world that feeds my soul every time I look out and see the beautiful rounded outlines of the mountains that surround my place on this planet Earth.
I am thankful for the sorrows of my life. They have taught me how to be grateful for all of life. Loss and grief have rounded the sharp edges of my soul. I am a testament to the power of transformation through the purifying process of painful deaths... deaths of loved ones, deaths of dreams, deaths of self perception, the death of innocence that is ignorance disguised, death of my religious home place... little deaths and earth shaking deaths... all a part of my life and a counter balance to the "joy, joy, joy, joy, joy" mode of my American culture. If one can have courage, take heart and just wait, there is much to be gained in experiencing loss. Great sorrow often weighs one down, making movement of any kind very difficult. In the stillness of sorrow lies the gift of new life, new ways of being, new depths to be sounded, and new heights to be flown when the tears on our butterfly wings dry. How can I keep from singing when even griefs and sorrows hold the promises of life to come?
I am thankful for all the beauty in my life. I am surrounded by green mountains, rocky rivers and streams, deer and wild turkeys, hopping toads and brightly colored salamanders, Carolina blue skies and grey snow days, soaring hawks and circling buzzards, graceful evergreens and tree skeletons, emeralds of rye grass and blueberry bush rubies. The wonderful shine of polished friendships with those near and far lights my heart and soul, and keeps me warm during the dark, cold winters. The purity of Gabe’s voice singing in worship Sunday, the joy of singing a fast and furious Shaker song in choir, watching Serena draw an interpretation of star light, matting collages and pictures created in our Art Extravaganza Sunday, rejoicing in the variety of creative gifts of beauty that are a connection to the Creator... these beautiful reflections of souls find a home in my heart and I am grateful. This is a beautiful world filled with beautiful creations.
I am thankful for the abiding presence of the One Who Loves in my life. From earliest memories I have always been aware of and grateful for the gift of God’s presence in my life. The assurance of being loved when I am most unlovable, being loved "just because" has sustained me when I could not love myself. The everlasting Love, the Love that knows no end, Love that will not let me go, Love that calls forth Love from me and pushes me to share and see the Love in others... the first Bible verse I learned as a child and do truly believe... God is Love... when all else fails, this blessed assurance remains. I am loved. I am called to be a lover. "Therefore be imitators of God as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us , a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."Ephesians 5:1-2 Today I will walk surrounded by Love, bathed in Light, remembering to whom I belong and live as a beloved child, grateful beyond measure for this most amazing gift of life.