thorny grace

Here I am again, back to square one it feels like. Neurofeedback works for me but is not "sticking" this time. When the process works as it should, your brain is trained and will stay in focus for longer periods of time... stick in focused mode. For some reason I am not making that shift like I did before. Without a full scan of my brain there is no way to determine what is keeping me from being able to space my wiring sessions out. Those scans are expensive, not covered by insurance and not guaranteed to be definitive. So I am back to the pill possibilities again. Having tried all of the available drugs except for Adderal, I am reading and researching this possibility.
The realization again of the daily realities of living with ADD has been a kicker. Losing one more option that has helped in the past, having to work all the aids for ADD coping more intensively (exercise, coaching, list keeping, routine, concrete structure) is a difficult transition. I had so hoped for a kind of healing.
I am beginning to sympathize with the Apostle Paul and the thorn in his side. There is however, a crucial difference between Paul’s thorn and mine. His thorn was given to him to keep him from being too elated from the abundance of revelations given to him. 2 Corinthians 12:7 So far I have not noticed any elated abundant revelations, just occasional glimpses of light in darkness and unexpected joy in chance encounters with God.
The verses that follow Paul’s naming of his thorn will have to become my new pattern for living. "Three times I besought the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’"
My thorn is a small sticker compared to others struggles, I know. Every day I teach I see young adults struggling to overcome brain damage from accidents and birth defects. They show up. They try hard. They fail. They get up and try again. Their courage and persistence amazes me. They grapple with acquiring skills I take for granted... reading, writing, feeding myself gracefully, articulate speech, combing my own hair, telling a joke, finding work. In their weakness is a strength that shows me sufficient grace.
So just for today, I will work my list, walk, pray, get ready for my Friday workshop, start working on the income tax, and hold fast hoping and looking for grace, for the signs of God’s power in my struggle. I will give thanks for my thorns knowing they will keep me humble and close to the Rose of Sharon. For today, it is enough.